The Unexpected
by xX Feathered Xx
Summary: When the afterlife gives one lemons, you're supposed to make lemonade, and then try to keep it out of Yachiru's reach. What happens when the afterlife decides to toss you a indefinite mission that lands you in the middle of a brewing war? One Captain of the Tenth, and his lazy Lieutenant are about to find out... Rated T for Kenpachi's dirty mouth


A/N:_ Bwhahaha! Now watch as the amazing author-of-only-a-one-shot attempts writing a multi-chaptered crossover! Constructive criticism is highly appreciated, however you cannot give it if you don't leave a review!_

_(Hint hint.)_

_This takes place during Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Ootp for those who like abbreviations), and post-Winter War for Bleach. Yes, if you're asking, there will be spoilers for Harry Potter all the way up to the seventh book; and spoilers for Bleach for the HM (Hueco Mundo for those who don't like abbreviations) arc, and for the beginning of the X-cution arc. None for the TBW (Thousand Blood War) arc though. _

_Flames will be cheerfully directed to Captain-Commander Yamamoto, and I can't imagine he'll be very pleased. (Read super angry, and prepared to fry you with Rujin Jakka.)_

_And so I leave you to enjoy, or not enjoy, the story!_

_(Don't forget to review!)_

_~Feathered_

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"[Japanese]"

"English"

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**_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Bleach, and probably never will._**

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**Prologue**

_The Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step._

_~Lao Tzu_

* * *

Fascinating.

A silvery, boy was shoving against the translucent wall, clenching inexperienced fists, shouting to be let out.

_"Most curious..."_ Kurotsuchi Mayuri, captain of Division Twelve, remarked, one golden eye observing the specimen, and the other fixed on a constantly fluctuating chart.

Unlike most of Soul Society's denizens, it did not seem solid, and protruding from its chest was a length of broken chain. Capturing it for study had been a long and tiresome affair; however, it was well worth it. Konpaku in Soul Society _never _had their soul chain—konso made sure of that—yet this one did.

Most curious indeed.

His lips pulled back to reveal yellowing teeth bared in an excited leer.

"[Nemu, get the lab ready.]"

* * *

"Expecto Patronum!"

The huge silver stag billowed up from the tip of his wand, and charged towards the dementor. Antlers caught the tattered cloak, and the patronus tossed the dementor. It went flying, and eventually crashing into someone's precious hedges. Harry winced, if they were anything like his aunt and her flowers—

Wait, weren't there two?

Where was...

Whipping around, he saw in the dim light of a nearby street lamp the other dementor. It hunched over Dudley, like a vulture peering at its prey.

The dementor's face was far too close, even as Harry whipped his wand around, and Prongs leapt towards the two, he knew it was too late—

"Hah!"

There was a flash of steel, and an unearthly shriek. Harry clutched at his ears, and his concentration broke. His patronus unraveled into wisps of rapidly dissipating silver smoke.

Dudley's unconscious form toppled to the ground, the impact of his obese body against solid cement sounding loudly in the clear night air.

The rattling cold was gone, and Harry looked up to see two shadowy figures standing over, and toeing his cousin distastefully.

Who...?

"That was a most repulsive death. Can't these hollows die with more grace?"

Wizards? Must be, who else would've been able to kill a dementor.

The taller of the two snorted, and stepped into the circle of light that the street lamp cast on the darkened street.

...or maybe not.

The dim glow shone off a shiny bald head, and black robes rustled. A long sword sat across the man's shoulders carelessly, the sheath shining a deep blue-purple.

A sword? What kind of wizard carried a sword? Except for maybe Godric Gryffindor, but that was ages ago!

"Not bad kid." Quick dark eyes glanced at him appraisingly, before landing on the wand Harry still clutched in his hand.

"Wait, what! You're one of the magic people!" The man back-pedaled into the shadows once more while his companion just waved a dismissive hand.

Harry blinked. Magic people? As in a wizard? Of course he was! Weren't they wizards too? Surely they were...

"Well he can't be that bad. Did you see the elegant way he defeated the soul-sucker?" Shining black hair cut short in a bob, and with two feathers seemingly sprouting from the eyebrow and eyelashes of his right eye, this one was even odder than the other, if that was even possible. He too had a sword belted at the waist with a cord of white. A deep orange collar encircled his neck, while matching sleeves of fabric encircled his forearms.

The second man stepped forwards, bowing shallowly. "Fifth seat of Eleventh Division Yumi—"

Cold descended, hazing his vision, and dimming the street lights.

He could've sworn he heard screaming...

"Yumichika! The other one's up!"

A rattling hiss tore through the lethargic fog, and Harry could faintly make out a hooded silhouette rising from the dented wall of hedge leaves.

A blur of dark cloth, and the dementor screamed, Harry clasped his hands over his ears once again, closing his eyes.

Abruptly it stopped, and so did the screaming. The mist lifted, and Harry could see clearly again.

He blinked. 'Yumichika' was glaring at a small dark spot, a mar upon the clean white sidewalk.

Harry slowly removed his hands from his ears. He wasn't sure of his earlier assessment of the strangers. The way they called him a 'magic person' sounded like they weren't wizards, yet he could think of no other way they could've killed the dementor. In fact, he had never heard of anyone killing a dementor before! He'd have to ask Hermione when he returned to Hogwarts...

"Honestly, what beasts. Dying so unsightfully."

'Yumichika' turned back to him. "Perhaps now we can get introductions done. I am Fifth seat Yumichika Ayas—"

He was promptly interrupted by... singing?

A shrill voice pierced the air, warbling loudly about a pinball, and smoothies and—

"Damn it!" The bald man swore, swiftly extracting a silver... cell phone?

Yes, a cell phone.

The bald man swore again, though Harry could not make out any words over the loud singing.

He jabbed a button, and silence returned, only to be broken by Yumichika's suppressed giggles.

Glaring, 'Bald man' snapped the phone shut.

"It's not my fault that Yachiru screwed with my soul-phone!"

The suppressed giggles were no longer suppressed, and amused laughter rang into the night.

'Bald man' swore _again_, or at least Harry thought so, he couldn't understand it at all. Another language perhaps—

Singing burst out again, somehow with more enthusiasm than before, the young girl's voice belting out the verses with gusto.

"And then Keeenn-chhaaann went and kiicckkeed Cueball's aaasssss andd there waas looottss of reeeddd—"

...and he was sure that little girls were _not_ supposed to know those words.

The man swore _again _(Honestly, did he find the need to swear so much? Even Ron didn't swear at every opportunity) and the phone was yanked out and fumbled open. A button was viciously stabbed, and blissful quiet returned...

"Oi! Yumichika! We've got more hollows!" 'Bald man' shouted, staring at the glowing screen.

No. No no no. The man couldn't possibly mean more dementors...

Yumichika glanced over. "What kind Ikkaku?"

'Ikkaku'—no longer 'Bald man'—looked up from the phone, a fierce grin breaking across his face. "Gillian, in Karakura. Better get there before that Ichigo punk gets them all!"

What poor person had ended up with the name Itchy-go—

And 'Ikkaku' was gone.

Harry blinked.

What kind of apparition was _that_?

Yumichika sighed, before a small smile too lit upon his lips. "My, my, so impatient." The man frowned. "He's even forgotten that Kurosaki-san can't even... well. Still, it would be unseemly if we allowed that Quincy to take care of them all."

Quincy? Merlin's beard, what was he talking about?

The man seemed to remember that he wasn't the only one there, and he bowed apologetically to Harry.

"Alas, I'm afraid I have to leave—beautifully—it was pleasure to meet you."

With that Yumichika had also disappeared, undoubtedly to follow his bald companion.

Harry stared blankly.

What, had just happened?

Footsteps pattered down the street.

Then Mrs. Figg, the nice, boring, cat loving eccentric appeared, talking about someone named Mundungus, dementors, and threatening to strangle a fletcher.

And the two sword carrying weirdos were promptly pushed out of his thoughts.

Dumbledore had set up people to _watch_ him?

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_Harmlessly reminding you to please type something into the little empty box beneath._

_You know you want to..._


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